Links:

Joke of
the week:

On hearing that her elderly grandfather
had died, Jenny went straight to visit her
Grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa
had died, her grandma explained, not holding
back anything of course, "He had a heart attack
during sex on Sunday morning!" Horrified, Jenny
suggested that having sex at the age of 94 was
surely asking for trouble! "Oh No," her grandma
replied, "We had sex every Sunday morning in
time with the church bells!" "In with the dings
out with the dongs!" She paused to wipe away a
tear, "If it wasn't for that damn ice cream
truck passing by, he'd still be alive!"

Previous Jokes
of the week

Read on or take a look at the laugh lists.

Jokes, funnies, and cartoon images that I have been e-mailed, found on the web and in OU conferences.

3 Guys

There are three guys waiting to get into heaven.
St. Peter calls the first one over, and asks how he dies.
"Well, I know my wife is having an affair, so I came home from work one early one day to find her naked, but alone in our 14th floor flat.
I search all over the place, looking for the bastard, when I see someone hanging from his finger tips from the edge of our balcony, and he is stark bollock naked.
Right you bastard! I cry, rushing out, and stamp on his hands, ignoring his pleas for help as I am so furious.
He plumments to his certain death, when, by a miracle, he lands in a tree, and walks away.
NOOOOO! I screamed, so I grab the fridge, and throw it over the balcony, and it hits him on the head, and kills him.
Sadly, the whole episode was too much for me, I had a heart attack, and I died."
"Oh dear." says St. Peter and lets him in to heaven, and calls over the second chap, and asks him how he died.
"Well, I had just had a shower, wrapped myself in a towel, and went to stand in the sun to dry off, when I slipped on the floor, flew out of the balcony of my 15th floor apartment! I thought I was dead, but by a fluke, I caught the balcony of the flat below!
Then, some bloke comes rushing out, ignoring my pleas for help, and starts stamping on my fingers, trying to make me fall!
He does, and I think I'm going to die again, until I land in a tree.
I can't believe it - I'm alive, and then I can't believe it when I'm hit on the head by a fridge, and I'm dead again."
"What a tragic tale! Of course, you must come in to heaven!" and St. Peter waves the guy through, and summons the third bloke.
"So, how did you die?" Asks St. Peter.
"You won't believe this," replies the third man,
"but I'm hiding in this woman's fridge..."

Bird lover

"Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl
- and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his
feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the
"conversation." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough
in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door
neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

Eye, eye!

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but he lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He instinctively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back to her. "Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his. She listens. After she pays for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!! Everything has been incredible!!! "You know," he said, "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies........


"You just happened to catch my eye."

Perfectly natural

A cruise ship went through some rough waters and ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island. There were only 3 survivors - 2 men and a woman.

They lived for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women to do.....

After several years of casual sex, the woman felt really bad about what she had been doing - she felt so bad of having sex with two men for so long that she killed herself.

It was very tragic, but the men managed to get over it and after a while nature once more took its inevitable course....

A couple more years went by, and the two men started to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing, and so.....

....they buried her!

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

Groan!

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver, "I want to go to Paris".
He said, "Eurostar?"
I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot."
I said, "I'll take that as a condiment".

Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.

So I said, "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then."
I said, "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa."
I said, "Moo."
He said, "You're closest."

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said, "Do you get my drift?"

So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it."
He said, "Those are pickled onions."

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says, "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds."
I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck."

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets?

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?"
I thought, "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness."

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller."
He said "Not you again."

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?."

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought, "That's a turtle disaster."

A couple of Alabama hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. 
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" 
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." ....
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

Someone with a VW Beetle

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30mph for it to start.
She said, "fine!", hopped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I suddenly realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions...

Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied..

Man walks into a bar and finds it empty. Suddenly a packet of peanuts says to him " You're looking really smart today, nice suit, you're looking really good"

The man walks over to the cigarette machine and finds it broken. the cigarette machine suddenly says "You look awful, I hate you, you're rubbish!"

The barman finally appears. The man says to the barman "Those peanuts were really nice to me, but the cigarette machine was horrible."

The barman replies "Ah well, the peanuts are complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order."

Four fonts walk into a bar
The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here."

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.
The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

Dyslexic man walks into a bra...

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best", he says to the barman. Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and says, "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?"
"Yes" the old man replies.
So the man askes, "Do you want a pint?"
"No, ta. I've got one 'ere."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, "Pint please, and one for the road."

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says, "What are you supposed to be?"
The man says "A premature ejaculation."
"What?" says the woman.
The man says, "I've just come in my pants."

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A. One.

Only ONE!! And do you know WHY?

Because no one else in this damn house knows HOW to change a light bulb!

They don't even care that the bulb is BURNED OUT!

They would sit in the dark for DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they! figured it out, they wouldn't be able to FIND the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS!!!

But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID DAMN BULBS CAME IN!

WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.

THE HOUSE!!! - IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?...............................

A paving slab walks into a bar and straight up to two pieces of black tarmac having a quiet beer.

"I'm hard me mate" says the paving slab as he smacks them both one.

Just then a piece of red tarmac walks in, the paving slab dives for cover behind the bar.....

"Thought you were well hard!" says one of the black tarmacs, nursing his bruises....

"I am mate" says the slab "But I know him....he's a bleedin' cycle path !!"

A man walks into the doctors....
Doc - “Hello. How can I help you?”
Man - “I’ve got an orange willy doc.”
Doc - “What??”
Man - “My willy - it’s turned orange.”
Doc - “Umm... I’ll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?"
Man - “Not really.”
Doc - “What about stress at work?”
Man - “Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss,  I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack.”
Doc - “That sounds very stressful” Man - “Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated.”
Doc - “Umm... what about your home life?”
Man - “Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts me down every chance she gets.”
Doc - “That sounds stressful.”
Man - “Yeah, but I’m leaving her and I’ve never been happier.”
Doc - “Umm... what about your social life?”
Man - “Social life? I don’t really have one.”
Doc - “Really? What do you do in your spare time?”
Man - “Watch porn videos and eat Wotsits.”

Man walks into a supermarket and buys: 

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?" The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" 

She replies "Because you're ugly."

I recently receive this from a friend! Is this really how it happened in the 1960s?
Women - know your place in the bedroom. This is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook printed in the early 60's.
"When retiring to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night. When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be lead by your husband's wishes, do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches his moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had. Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes."

News Flash!

Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into their mouths. This dangerous practice is known as 'E by gum'

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.  The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."  This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man AND your brother!"

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train, after the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.  In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."  The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married" "Why not", giggles the woman.  "Good", he replies, "Get your own f**king blanket".

Baked beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." 
So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.
She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the Room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other 
one says "so are you, you fat bast**d" 

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." 
"Well you can't say fairer than that then." 

Two cannibals were eating a clown. 
One said to the other, "does this taste funny to you?"

The bells!

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?".

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,


"but his face rings a bell"

WAIT! WAIT! There's more .. . ..

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I
pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.".

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but..."


"He's a dead ringer for his brother"

So you want a day off.

Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

SINGLE, BROWN KANGAROO, VERY MALE, SEEKS SINGLE, FEMALE KANGAROO TO HOP AROUND, MAKE KANGAROO BABIES AND SHARE GREEN BUSHES. HOBBIES INCLUDE HOPPING, CHEWING ON GREEN STUFF AND HOPPING. AGE NOT IMPORTANT. MUST BE A KANGAROO, ENJOY HOPPING AND GREEN STUFF. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY. 

Hole in one

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake. What did you do?, asks the doctor. Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Give us a push

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. 
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.
She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" 
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."
"Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.
The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."

The five stages of drunkenness... 

Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART, you know all the words.

Groan joke

A man goes to visit his doctor,

"Doc, I've got a rather embarrassing problem, my farts just don't sound Right,"

"Well how do they sound?" enquires the doctor.

"They make a HONDA sound" says the man.

The doctor looks puzzled, "Hmm, is there anything else I should know?"

"Well I also have a terrible boil on my arse," replies the man.

The doctor looks pleased, "Thats it then. We'll lance that boil and you'll see a Difference immediately",

"Why's that then, Doc?" asks the man

"It's well known," laughs the Doctor, "Abscess makes the fart go Honda."

Technical Support enquiries (real apparently!):

1. Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one."
Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left.
It's defective!"
Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa."
Customer: (sputter) (click)
Tech Support: (snicker)

2. I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.

Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,

"Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this "yellow" construction paper?"

3. Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"

4. This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

Remember when...

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean....
And RAM was the cousin of a goat.....

MEG was the name of my girlfriend
And GIG was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really MEGA bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
You hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead

Computers: Male or Female?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

Wasssuuuuppp!!
            

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