Contents:

Mottos
Job Description for mums
Women's Quotes
Priceless Wisdom
Don't You Hate It When
64 Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order
Men And Women
Courtroom Transcripts
30 Ways To Be Offensive At A Funeral
The Honeymoon Period
26 Signs That You've Already Grown Up
Top Tips
33 Ways To Annoy Someone
You Know You're Addicted To The Internet When...
Things To Do In An Elevator
More Success Tips
Ten Ways To Annoy The Person In The Next Toilet

Mottos

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set
2. A day without sunshine is like, night
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers
4. I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
5. 42.7% of all statistics are made on the spot
6. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet
11. Remember half the people you know are below average
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a fool
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view
36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines
48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade
49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow
50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you

JOB DESCRIPTION FOR MUMS:

Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities.
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

Must provide on-the-site training in basic life skills, such as nose blowing.

Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and crisis management.

Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus.

Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school project.

Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than me!"
for the rest of your life.

Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above mentioned skills in conflict resolution.

Must be able to choose your battles and stick to your guns.

Must be able to withstand criticism, such as "You don't know anything."

Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices.

Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because fund-raiser will be your middle name.

Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as "What makes the wind move?"
or "Why can't they just go in and shoot Sadam Hussein?"
on the fly.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:

Virtually none.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required, unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Women's Quotes

1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...
and I also know that I'm not blonde.
-Dolly Parton

2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart
woman with a dumb guy.
-Erica Jong

3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me
she was in labour for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good
for 36 hours.
-Rita Rudner

4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't
decide whether to ruin our carpet or to ruin our lives.
-Rita Rudner

5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
-Wendy Liebman

6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-Erma Bombeck

7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton

8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr

9. I think -- Therefore I'm single.
-Lizz Winstead

10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.. Men invade another
country.
-Elayne Boosler

11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson

12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-Gilda Radner

13 In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything
done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher

14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a
career.
-Gloria Steinem

15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
-Gloria Steinem

16.. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which
answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning,
a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
-Marie Corelli

17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
-Baroness Edith Summerskill

18. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
-Linda Ellerbee

19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

20. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

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Priceless Wisdom 

A streaker is someone who is unsuited for his work.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Two wrongs not make right, three lefts do.
Man who pee on electric fence, receive shocking news.
Do not drink and park, accidents cause people.
Man who get kicked in testicles left holding bag.
He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser.
Man who have head up ass, have crappy outlook on life.
Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.
Baby conceived in back seat of automatic car grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Man who have hand in pockets not crazy, just feeling nuts.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who sit on tack get point.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Find blind man on nude beach, not hard.
Girl who sit on lap of judge get honorable discharge.
Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
Man who have hand in pocket not just jingling change.
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed.
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may have offspring.
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Man who make love to exhaust pipe of car have hot rod.
Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
A bird in hand makes it hard to blow nose.
Those who quote Confucious are fools.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who sneezes without handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.
Sailor who get discharged from navy leave buddies behind.
Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.
Girl who sit on lap of jockey get hot tip.
Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Woman who fly plane upside down have crackup.
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Epileptic woman who give oral sex may bite big one.
Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy.
Wife who slides down banister makes monkey shine.
Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
Man who kisses girls behind, gets crack in face.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
Baseball wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
He who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs.
Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.
War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with smelly finger.
Okay for crap to happen, will decompose.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who puts pecker in peanut butter jar is f***ing nuts.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
Man who kiss epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
Modern house without toilet uncanny.
It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
Man who sit on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who stand on toilet, must be high on pot.
Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
Confucius say too damn much.
Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality.
Woman who go to mans apartment for snack may get tit bit.
Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have crappy time.
Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.
Squirrel who runs up womans leg not find nuts.
Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss.
Support bacteria, it may be the only culture some people have.
Virgin like balloon: one prick, all gone.
Procrastination like masturbation, only screw self.
Man who shoot off mouth, bound to lose face.
Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants.
He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without subject coming up.
Man who eat jelly beans fart in technicolor.

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TOP

64 Ways to Phone In a Pizza Order

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

10. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

11. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN PUCE.

12. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

13. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song

14. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Stuffed Crust)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters'Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

32. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

33. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

34. Imitate the order taker's voice.

35. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

36. Play a sitar in the background.

37. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

38. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

39. Ask to see a menu.

40. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

41. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

42. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

43. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

44. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

45. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

46. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

47. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

48. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

49. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and... action!"

50. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

51. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

52. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

53. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

54. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

55. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

56. Put them on hold.

57. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

58. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

59. Haggle.

60. Order a one-inch pizza.

61. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

62. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

63. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

64. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

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Men & women

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.  When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.  A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
What a woman says:
C'mon...This place is a mess
You and I need to clean.
Your pants are on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
if we don't do laundry now.

What a man hears:
C'MON ... blah, blah, blah
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW.

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Courtroom transcripts

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court."
They're things people actually said in court, word for word....
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the crash?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A:: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But",
"The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George".

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30 ways to be offensive at a funeral

Before she moves in She wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so: you're so sweet and adorable, and headjobs follow ambient dinners like a fine grandfather port.
After she moves in She farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while hypnotised by Coronation Street. You scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work. Oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a great arse. When apathy replaces ardour, living together becomes cohabitation; and your gorgeous sex kitten becomes "her indoors". 

Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your friends, and that you've taken recreational drugs under peer group pressure, but that those days are well and truly over. 

After: For the fifth night in a row, you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your boxers and expect her to accept that you're just being you. 

Before: You spray aerosol after a crap, piss on the side of the bowl to reduce the noise level, and never ever fart in her presence. 

After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odour of the next fart. Despite repeated pleas to refrain, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it's hilarious. 

Before: Her aunty Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her out-of-work girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice. 

After: Aunty Jane is a loud-mouthed pain-in-the-arse fascist with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind slipping her one if the opportunity arose. 

Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You screw to impress, using all your tricks - your renowned tit grope, your marathon oral sex sessions and jackhammer-like screwing. Doing it four times a day is not uncommon. 

After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda. 

Before: Her words are hypnotic, her wit incisive; her anecdotes about life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood. 

After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't involve you or football. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the TV and pretend to be listening to her at the same time. The phrase "Are you listening to me ?" becomes an evening mantra. 

Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all the crass male habits which have plagued her previous relationships ........ but she suspects that you're full of shit. 

After: She knows you're full of shit.

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26 Signs that you've already grown up

a. Your potted plants stay alive.
b. Having sex in a single bed is absurd.
c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
e. You hear your favourite song on an elevator.
f. You carry an umbrella and you watch the Weather Channel.
g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
j. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
l. You don't know what time Burger King closes anymore.
m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
n. You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonald's.
o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
s. You go to the chemist for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
t. A £2.99 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Doritos.
w. ''I just can't drink the way I used to'' replaces ''I'm never going to drink that much again.''
x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
y. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

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Top tips

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by putting a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by weeing in the sink.

Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc. tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt been made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice fat juicy steak.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT one.

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33 ways to annoy someone... 

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". 4.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog".

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training".

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Forward to your friends EVERY stupid E-mail message and joke that you receive.

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You know you're addicted to the Internet when...

You kiss your girlfriend's home page 
Your bookmark takes 15 mins to scroll from top to bottom 
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them 
You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search 
You refuse to go to a vacations spot with no electricity and no phone lines 
You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cell modem and a laptop 
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment 
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net 
And even your night dreams are in HTML 
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com 
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading 
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before 
You step out of your room and realise that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened 
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives 
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like 
All of your friends have an @ in their names 
When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple 
Your dog has its own home page 
You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos 
You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem 
You realise there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are 
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again 
You refer to your age as 3.x. Name: Joe cool Age: version 3.1 
You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore 
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box 
Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favourite IRC channel 
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL 
You don't know the sex of 3 of your closest friends because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask 
Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 mos 
You miss more than 5 meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee 
You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public rest rooms 
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape 
You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html 
You actually just now tried that 123.elm.street address 
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "daddy's got work to do" and u don't even have a job 
Your friends no longer send you email - they just log on to your IRC channel 
You buy a captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse 
Your wife makes a new rule: "the computer cannot come to bed" 
You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless 
You get a tattoo that says "this body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher" 
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off 
You ask the plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet 
You forget what year it is 
You start tilting your head sideways to smile 
You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain 
You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind... the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net" 
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200hrs per month "unlimited" 
You turn on your computer and turn off your wife 
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the 2 of you can chat 
As your car crashes through the guard-rail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

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THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR... 

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"

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More top success tips

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Give VIZ and other comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Toblerone chocolate bars make ideal 'toast racks' for Ritz crackers.

Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

Only go to the toilet at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like sodding dodgem cars anyway, so they may as well look like one.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

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Ten Ways to Annoy the person in the Next Toilet...

1. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a melon into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

2. Fill up a large flask with Lucozade. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy big boy!"

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please"?

5. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy!! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

6. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall where the person in the next stall can see it.

7. Say, "Damn, this water's cold!"

8. Say, "Hmm, I've never seen that colour before."

9. Say, "Interesting, more floaters than sinkers."

10. Drop a marble and say, "Oh noooo, my glass eye!!"

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