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Sites
of the week
Jokes
of the week
Web
Design tips of the week
Paint
Shop Pro tips of the week
My
previous favourite sites of the week
02.7.01 - Big
Brother 2
Get a view
of the housemates.
01.05.01 - The
Dome Auction
Bid for
bits & pieces from the body zone.
19.02.01 - The
Daily Draw
Free
lottery site!
29.01.01 - The
Movie Sounds Page
Favourite quotes and sounds from a long list of movies for you to
download.
I personally like the Austin Powers sounds!
15.11.01 -
Christmas
Stories
On The
Children's Literature Web Guide,
this section is full of childrens Christmas stories. Print them off and
make a book!
27.11.00 - Christmas.com
Gifts,
recipes, info and news. A simple, easy-to-use site which will get
you into the Christmas spirit.
20.11.00 - Cody
Gifts
Fabulous
range of stylish & innovative gifts covering gadgets, bath &
body, home & garden, flowers and many more!
24hr delivery, gift wrapped & personalised message card...in fact,
The Ultimate Gift Solution!
13.11.00 - The
Gift Delivery Company
On this site
you can search for a gift by age, sex, horoscope (!) and price. The
company offers offers free next day delivery and even has a
birthday/date reminder service!
06.11.00 - Freeserve's
Christmas Gift Store
30.10.00 -
FlashKit.com
This site has loads of
information on Flash with tutorials, chatrooms and even an
online easy-
to-use text effect maker that I used for this site's main page!
TOP
Previous
jokes of the week
20.09.01 - Blonde
A blonde pushes her BMW into a
gas station.
She tells the
mechanic, "It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says: "What's the story?"
He replies: "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
08.05.01 - Speaking clock
Following a night out
with a few friends, a man brought them back to show ff his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large
gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an
ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f*ck's
sake, you w*nker, it's twenty to two in the f*cking morning!!"
01.04.01 - Dam fish.
There was a boy standing
on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam
fish for sale." A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling
them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're
dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his
wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and
said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The
preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.
When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down the preacher asked
his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "That's the
spirit dad. Pass the f**king potatoes!"
29.01.01 - Feathery
Cloud
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road
strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud
of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door
bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think
I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit
yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the
back."
15.01.01 - Two
nuns
Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of
their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him
your cross!" So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts,
"Oi! You! **** off!"
01.01.01 - The
Drunk
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for
some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her,
placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you
were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she
screamed.
That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like
her!"
27.11.00 - "Doctor,
I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's".
"Well you can't say fairer than that then".
20.11.00 - Two
women were walking down the street. One said to the other, 'There's my
husband coming out of the florist with a dozen roses. Damn! That means
I'm going to have to keep my legs up in the air for three days.'
'Well why don't you get a vase?'
13.11.00 - A
man went skydiving for the first time.
After listening to the instructor for what seemed like days, he was
ready to go. Excited, he jumped out of the airplane. About five seconds
later, he pulled the ripcord. Nothing happened. He tried again. Still
nothing. He started to panic, but remembered his back-up chute. He
pulled that cord. Nothing happened. He frantically began yanking both
cords to no avail. Suddenly he looked down, and he couldn't believe his
eyes. Another man was in the air with him, but this guy was going up!
Just as the other guy passed by, the skydiver yelled, "Hey, do you
know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yelled back,
"No! Do you know anything about gas cookers?"
06.11.00 -
He
laid her on the table, So white, so clean and bare, His forehead wet
with beads of sweat. He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck
and then her breast, and then drooling, felt her thigh, The slit was wet
and all was set, he gave a joyous cry. The whole was wide... he looked
inside, all was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands, stretched out his
arms, and then he stuffed the turkey.
30.10.00
-
Old lady
A man walked up to a little old lady rocking in a
chair
on her porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," he said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," she said.
"I
also
do a gram of charlie a day, a spliff
every night, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food, and never
exercise, and do pills on the weekend."
"That's amazing," said the man, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-four." |
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TOP
Previous
Web design tips of the week
20.09.01 - Ever
wondered how a colour-blind person sees your site? Take a peek.
01.04.01 -
Newsgroups
There are
several newsgroups that cover many aspects of web design from html to
Dreamweaver!
You can also get critique from some of them for your site.
My favourite groups are:
alt.www.webmaster
alt.html.critique &
alt.macromedia.flash
15.01.01 -
Your First Database
This
tutorial on the Webmonkey site shows us how to develop a relational
database-driven web site. Learn just enough SQL, VBScript, ADO and ASP.
01.01.01 - Jazz
up your site
Forget plain
HTML and bitmap graphics - the future of the Web is interactive. Nick
Nettleton on the .Net magazine site looks at the ways to add impact to
your pages with multimedia.
27.11.00 - Free
Scripts
Many sites offer free
DHTML, Java, chat scripts etc. These can add dynamic content to your
site. Some of these websites are linked below:
Free
Scripts
Dynamic
Drive
Java
Scripts
20.11.00 - Layout
For laying out
text and images on your pages and to ensure they look the same in both
Netscape and IE, use tables with cells. If you would like the pages in
the same proportion (on any size screen) use percentages to size the
tables and links.
13.11.00 -
Free Tools.
There are
plenty of ways to get your hands on free web authoring software
including from free download sites like: www.download.com
or from cover CDs on
Internet magazines.
06.11.00 - Less is more!
Don't under-
estimate the power of simplicity. Web pages that are overloaded with graphics and different colours can look unsightly. Make sure every item
/ graphic on your pages is there for a reason - not just to try and
impress the visitor!
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Previous
PSP tips of the week
31.07.01 - Watercolours
How to
make a photograph look like a watercolour
01.04.01 - Nudging a selection
To nudge a
selection one pixel at a time, hold down the <Shift> key while
pressing the keyboard arrows.
29.01.01 - Plastic
Text
How to create
plastic-looking text.
01.01.01 - Animation Shop
Don't
forget to try out Animation Shop which comes free with PSP.
There's plenty of Tutorials
for it.
27.11.00 - Layers
Learn how
to use the Layers function in PSP. You'll find that you'll be asking
yourself how on earth you lived without it! More info on Layers can be
found in this Tutorial
on the Jasc site.
20.11.00 - Paint Shop
Pro includes an integrated thumbnail browser that allows you to preview
images before opening them. To use it, select File>Browse.
13.11.00 - When using
the Colour Replacer tool, to can instantly replace all areas of the
colour in the image by double-clicking with the mouse.
06.11.00 - To
nudge a selection one pixel at a time, hold down the <Shift> key
while pressing the keyboard arrows.
30.10.00 - You
can drag and drop layers from the Layer Palette onto an image to copy
them to another image.
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